Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
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Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
🤣🤣🤣
Sheep
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything