Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
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I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”