Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
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Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
We need it on priority
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
