hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
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It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Usage Guidelines
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Tapped in
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.