hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
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What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
shakira sharkira
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?