hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
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There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.