hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
You Might Also Like
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater