Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is a suicide mission.

this… may be the greatest story ever told

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Cow it started Cow it’s going

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.