hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
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INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
who wants to go expliring
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Always this one for me forever
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.