Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

Hank is one in a melon.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it