Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work