Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
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Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them