Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.