hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
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Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
You better wish for more oil
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.