hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
You Might Also Like
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
March 16
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
A customer told me they were never coming back….