hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
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ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
could’ve been anyone
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
