“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
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I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Nice try, poison.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
why I oughta
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?