“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
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My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
A tragic love story in two pictures.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized