“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
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Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring