“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
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“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot