Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

the three genders

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning