Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
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Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
