Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
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Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”