Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment