“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
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ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now