Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

Breaking news:

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.