Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
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Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I can’t deal with men any longer
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.