Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
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That de-escalated quickly
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
A family that plays together cheats.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
