Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
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My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My church trusts me to collect and count the offering but not to pick up the donuts and that’s fair.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.