Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
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*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money