Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*