Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here