Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
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*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Hmm, not sure about this change
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
your daddy is a what now?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells