Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
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INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.