Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

That’s no pocket rocket.

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.