Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

ㅤ

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.