“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
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My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say