Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

If you breakdance you buy dance.

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency