Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
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Phew

The Chosen Phew

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes