Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

A friend sent me this.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..