Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
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am i feeling hopeful about the future?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.