Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”