“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
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I think costco should be the next president of the united states
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
What the dentist sees
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.