“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
wait a minute….
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumbMe at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
I have so many questions.
