“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny