Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough