Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
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The Wolf of Wall Street.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
How it started: How it’s going:
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!