Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

? 💀

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?