Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END