Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

Me when my alarm goes off

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”