Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

Uh oh 👀

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.