Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh

I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

A ghost story

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.