Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

I like donuts.

Twitter:

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*