Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
You Might Also Like
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
dogs can find happiness so easily
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
what could possibly go wrong?
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
Same post same
