Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.