Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

What my back needs

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?