“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
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“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
and now we wait
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell