Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
You Might Also Like
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…