Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.