Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.