“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
You Might Also Like
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
giddy up Office Depot
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.