“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
You Might Also Like
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything