Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
respect
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.