Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
How your email finds me
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
WTF IS THAT!
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?