Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

How software testing works

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need