Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
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Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.