Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”